Right there behind my eyelids the scene replayed in high definition slow motion. Over and over again I saw the child's head explode, and felt the warmth of her blood splatter against my face and body. My choice ended her life. My choice turned me into a monster.
The repeating horror pushed me into a small place deep in my mind, and from there I watched as I began my assault on Andrew. I should have felt bad, I should have stopped myself from desecrating that young girl's body, but I didn't. I could feel the rage, even this far gone. I felt the killing instinct explode as I stopped caring about whether he could breathe.
The anger didn't help get rid of the pain. I had brutally murdered a young girl. Nothing could bring her back. Her parents would never see her again.
"Mardockt." A voice in my head filled my stomach with sickness.
I fell to my hands and knees as my breakfast found its way to the floor in front of me. I had become what my uncle had told me I would. A complete monster. I was just like him. I felt right in killing that girl. I still felt that I was right, but I knew it was wrong. I should have sat there, I should have done something else. Anything else.
"Ben, it's all right.", a voice pierced through my thoughts. Saba's voice.
"No! Leave me alone! I'm sickening. I'm disgusting." I spun and swung my fist toward her face.
I felt the impact and waited for retribution but it never came. She opened her arms and hugged me. I pushed away, but failed because of my sickened and weakened body.
"Stop! I'm . . . Stop."
"Ben, I've killed many, many people. I killed them with no reason besides my own greed. I crave the feel of blood and violence, but that isn't you."
I tried to fight some more. The slickness of the blood beneath us seemed to make it harder for me to fight against her grasp.
"You didn't make her die. This doesn't make you a monster, Ben. You saved my life and probably countless others. In my whole life, I've never saved a single life. I've never saved, only destroyed. I am a monster Ben."
"But I did this, what if it's stuck in me?! What if this horrid feeling never leaves? This dirt and grime that I can't see but fills me with self hate?! What if I break one day, what if I follow in his footsteps?!"
"I won't let that happen. I'll kill you before you destroy yourself."
The tears came suddenly, and I wrapped my arms around Saba. My face on her chest, I let the emotions flood forth. It wasn't the good Saba that held me close till my tears slowed. It was the Saba that lusted for blood. An understanding had formed between us.
I looked into her eyes, "Do you promise to kill me if I go that far?"
She nodded, "I promise."